I noticed something, some time ago. Perhaps I already bothered you with this earlier, but I will mention it (again) right here and right now.
It kinda seems like this Blog is…
1.) an online storage for music vids, pics, and other stuff
2.) my own personal psychotherapist, who refuses to give me (enough) advice
Sad, sad, isn’t it?
About #1, I’m not that unhappy. I like to share things that please me, make me laugh (although there is almost nobody I can share it with). And I also like it at other peoples blogs. It kinda represents you, when you’re showing what you like. But there is still the point, when I think about it, and notice, that it is useless, as long as nobody visits your blog. But I won’t give up hope. Maybe, someday millions and millions of people will visit this site and make me happy. Haha. All right, I’m fantasizing.
#2 is a much bigger topic. I noticed, that whenever I’m updating this piece of data rubbish, I’m either in a explosive, depressed or overhappy mood, and I’ve got this strong need to talk to somebody about it.
It’s not, that I have no friends. But sometimes, I got the feeling, that there are too little of them. Sure, I got some really good friends I can talk to. Yes. But at this very moment I want all the world to know. Or I want to hear some different advice. In fact, I don’t really know what I want.
But as I was reading some older entries these days, I was surprised. For a person who doesn’t know me it must seem like I’m a lunatic, mentally unstable and depressive jung girl.
Well, all right. Um… No. Seriously. It just seems like that.
I just thought about what I wrote, and maybe – just to put the record straight – I’m telling all the shit here in order not to annoy somebody else. Yes. That’s how it is. I hate to have a problem and not being able to solve it alone, no matter what kind it is. And it often really helps to get some structure into your thoughts, as you have to to write them down.
But I won’t deny – I just need more attention!
So, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
But… this was not, what I actually wanted to write about. I wanted to rant about school, again.
I got 8 points English. (15 is the best you can get, 0 the worst)
It’s ok. Not too bad, but also not really good. Almost all my grades I got this school year were like that. 7, 8 points.
And with that, I once more got confronted with the thought of middlingness. I thought about this part of me, that annoys me most. The one I’m sometimes a bit afraid of thinking about.
There is actually nothing special about me. Nothing I’m really good at. No spectacular hobbies. No hobbies at all, to be honest. No extraordinary interests. A little bit from everything. I’m interested in almost everything – a little bit. But it’s never enough to… I don’t know. It’s just this small-talk knowledge. Nothing I’m really good at. I’m just the averge. There was a time when I saw this as a kind of strengh.
But no more. It’s difficult to be self-confident and to define yourself, when there seems to be nothing you can be proud of. No… abilities you know you can rely on.
Maybe I just haven’t found something I’m good at. But I tried a lot, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find something.
Seems like I’ll just have to accept to be boring.
Um, yes, I actually managed to post 3 new Songs, so visit and listen.