Resignation, but not quite.

I noticed something, some time ago. Perhaps I already bothered you with this earlier, but I will mention it (again) right here and right now.

It kinda seems like this Blog is…
1.) an online storage for music vids, pics, and other stuff
2.) my own personal psychotherapist, who refuses to give me (enough) advice

Sad, sad, isn’t it?
About #1, I’m not that unhappy. I like to share things that please me, make me laugh (although there is almost nobody I can share it with). And I also like it at other peoples blogs. It kinda represents you, when you’re showing what you like. But there is still the point, when I think about it, and notice, that it is useless, as long as nobody visits your blog. But I won’t give up hope. Maybe, someday millions and millions of people will visit this site and make me happy. Haha. All right, I’m fantasizing.

#2 is a much bigger topic. I noticed, that whenever I’m updating this piece of data rubbish, I’m either in a explosive, depressed or overhappy mood, and I’ve got this strong need to talk to somebody about it.
It’s not, that I have no friends. But sometimes, I got the feeling, that there are too little of them. Sure, I got some really good friends I can talk to. Yes. But at this very moment I want all the world to know. Or I want to hear some different advice. In fact, I don’t really know what I want.
But as I was reading some older entries these days, I was surprised. For a person who doesn’t know me it must seem like I’m a lunatic, mentally unstable and depressive jung girl.
Well, all right. Um… No. Seriously. It just seems like that.
I just thought about what I wrote, and maybe – just to put the record straight – I’m telling all the shit here in order not to annoy somebody else. Yes. That’s how it is. I hate to have a problem and not being able to solve it alone, no matter what kind it is. And it often really helps to get some structure into your thoughts, as you have to to write them down.
But I won’t deny – I just need more attention!

So, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

But… this was not, what I actually wanted to write about. I wanted to rant about school, again.
I got 8 points English. (15 is the best you can get, 0 the worst)
It’s ok. Not too bad, but also not really good. Almost all my grades I got this school year were like that. 7, 8 points.

And with that, I once more got confronted with the thought of middlingness. I thought about this part of me, that annoys me most. The one I’m sometimes a bit afraid of thinking about.
There is actually nothing special about me. Nothing I’m really good at. No spectacular hobbies. No hobbies at all, to be honest. No extraordinary interests. A little bit from everything. I’m interested in almost everything – a little bit. But it’s never enough to… I don’t know. It’s just this small-talk knowledge. Nothing I’m really good at. I’m just the averge. There was a time when I saw this as a kind of strengh.
But no more. It’s difficult to be self-confident and to define yourself, when there seems to be nothing you can be proud of. No… abilities you know you can rely on.
Maybe I just haven’t found something I’m good at. But I tried a lot, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find something.
Seems like I’ll just have to accept to be boring.

Um, yes, I actually managed to post 3 new Songs, so visit and listen.

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5 responses to “Resignation, but not quite.

  1. Hey there,

    nice to see, you finally got around to blog again. I guess it isn’t score it should be poins after it is counted in points. e.g. a score of 8 points.
    I’ve sent some friends of mine the link to your blog and everybody send me just positive feedback about the site itself and especially for the Red buttom blog. So keep on going and girl sit down and study more! I know it is damn hard and a lot of things are so distracting when you should study. (I’m talking out f experience) But your education will be the key to a decent job and to make your own money. Or do you want to depend on a guy someday, who might even tell you while having an argument ‘my money so my rules!’?
    Study, study, study! Work world is only getting rougher with a lot of terminations out of financial reasons.
    But I know you are about to enjoy your vacations and you should do so. But keep my advice in mind. Take care

  2. aboxfullofcookies

    yes, I know I have to study more. but… it’s like no matter how much, it’s the same result.
    and its not just this learn-harder-thing. the key-problem is, that theres nothing im really good at >_<'
    but i promise, i'll TRY to study more/harder/better šŸ˜‰

  3. joao faria

    #1 Don’t stop sharing stuff. I think that is the easiest way to show ourselves to the world. When someone asks me “who are you?” or “what do you do?” I don’t know what to answer. But if they ask me “what do you like?” or “what do you believe in?” I have plenty of things to say. And I bet you do too. And that defines us i guess…
    Just because no one answers doesn’t mean no one cares šŸ™‚

    #2 It’s funny, I can have a day full of things happening to me, but when I seat here in the computer, I can’t write about it… I wanna share it, but I can’t write it. I could say it to my friends, it wouldn’t be embaracing because I have that trust to some of them, but still I find it not important enough, or boring… I guess we all need someone who’s just there to listen, who wants to listen. As much as we deny it we all lack some attention…

    About the other thing. Don’t worry too much about the tests… You should worry that you are doing your best, you’re trying as hard as you can! That’s all you can do. If it doesn’t work, blame the system! You’re not stupid, don’t let someone tell you that.
    I also haven’t found anything I’m good at. I’ve tried some sports and other things, but it always gets to a point where I stop getting better.
    But I guess the key it’s not being recognized as the best at something. When I die I don’t want people to (only) say “he was a hell of a dancer” or “he was the master of poker”. I would like that no one would really know what to say about me, how to caracterize me, they would just like me and miss me… šŸ˜› I don’t know, I guess that’s the important thing.

    And c’mon, you’re not boring!! Even I know that!

  4. MOPselchen

    no need to worry about being average or not. everybody is. nobody is.

    i guess you wouldn’t want to characterize yourself by a couple of numbers, ratings and benchmark results. something you can simply put a number on never is something that truly defines a person. especially the grades you get in school. in fact – after a while, there’s hardly anything that could matter less.

    is it really that important to have something where one is extraordinarily good? look for the things you like doing. for the things that are extraordinarily good FOR YOU. the other way round will work out automatically. you don’t have to prove anything to the world by being good at it. see what the world can prove and offer to you – and enjoy it.

    greetings – from someone who enjoys reading your blog every now and then. šŸ˜›

  5. aboxfullofcookies

    hm, the problem is: i found nothing so far that is really good for me. at least nothing, that came to my mind. and as someone like me, who tends to think far too much about everything instead of just doing it, it would be good to have something, that kinda pushes your self-confidence. something you can rely on.

    the problem with my grades is, atm they matter quite much. and as i’m not yet sure what i wanna do with my life, good grades offer a lot more possibilities than bad ones (although i know this fact, it doesn’t make me study harder, but this is another topic^^)
    what the world offers me? well. nothing.^^
    i dunno, i’m not one of those guys who just slip into a story by chance. i thought so too, that the world will somewhere along the way suddenly give me this big hint, what to do, where to do it, anything. but somehow… i can no more believe in it. hm.

    but, good to hear that someone likes my blog šŸ˜€

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