Tag Archives: thoughts

Fireworks are overestimated.

I was always wondering why people love firewoks. I mean, it’s just some BOOM BOOM and some coloured light in the sky. Isn’t it?

At the Theatron MusicSummer in Munich, on the former olympic area, there are fireworks once a week. And for three weeks, there are several Bands playing. Every day. For free. For FREE. Ok, they are not the Rolling Stones. They are small local Bands, and to play at the Theatron is a great chance to put one’s name on the map, to get known in the scene, and to get more fans. With the sun shining, there a quite a lot people listening.
But not to compare with the fireworks audience. Even if the weather is horrible, cold and wet, there are thousands of people coming, just to watch some BOOM BOOM.

Why?!

I don’t get it.

Resignation, but not quite.

I noticed something, some time ago. Perhaps I already bothered you with this earlier, but I will mention it (again) right here and right now.

It kinda seems like this Blog is…
1.) an online storage for music vids, pics, and other stuff
2.) my own personal psychotherapist, who refuses to give me (enough) advice

Sad, sad, isn’t it?
About #1, I’m not that unhappy. I like to share things that please me, make me laugh (although there is almost nobody I can share it with). And I also like it at other peoples blogs. It kinda represents you, when you’re showing what you like. But there is still the point, when I think about it, and notice, that it is useless, as long as nobody visits your blog. But I won’t give up hope. Maybe, someday millions and millions of people will visit this site and make me happy. Haha. All right, I’m fantasizing.

#2 is a much bigger topic. I noticed, that whenever I’m updating this piece of data rubbish, I’m either in a explosive, depressed or overhappy mood, and I’ve got this strong need to talk to somebody about it.
It’s not, that I have no friends. But sometimes, I got the feeling, that there are too little of them. Sure, I got some really good friends I can talk to. Yes. But at this very moment I want all the world to know. Or I want to hear some different advice. In fact, I don’t really know what I want.
But as I was reading some older entries these days, I was surprised. For a person who doesn’t know me it must seem like I’m a lunatic, mentally unstable and depressive jung girl.
Well, all right. Um… No. Seriously. It just seems like that.
I just thought about what I wrote, and maybe – just to put the record straight – I’m telling all the shit here in order not to annoy somebody else. Yes. That’s how it is. I hate to have a problem and not being able to solve it alone, no matter what kind it is. And it often really helps to get some structure into your thoughts, as you have to to write them down.
But I won’t deny – I just need more attention!

So, that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

But… this was not, what I actually wanted to write about. I wanted to rant about school, again.
I got 8 points English. (15 is the best you can get, 0 the worst)
It’s ok. Not too bad, but also not really good. Almost all my grades I got this school year were like that. 7, 8 points.

And with that, I once more got confronted with the thought of middlingness. I thought about this part of me, that annoys me most. The one I’m sometimes a bit afraid of thinking about.
There is actually nothing special about me. Nothing I’m really good at. No spectacular hobbies. No hobbies at all, to be honest. No extraordinary interests. A little bit from everything. I’m interested in almost everything – a little bit. But it’s never enough to… I don’t know. It’s just this small-talk knowledge. Nothing I’m really good at. I’m just the averge. There was a time when I saw this as a kind of strengh.
But no more. It’s difficult to be self-confident and to define yourself, when there seems to be nothing you can be proud of. No… abilities you know you can rely on.
Maybe I just haven’t found something I’m good at. But I tried a lot, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find something.
Seems like I’ll just have to accept to be boring.

Um, yes, I actually managed to post 3 new Songs, so visit and listen.

Lack of Understanding.

Sometimes, I’d just like to kick someones’ ass. I mean, I know, I don’t post as regularly as I should do, but I DO post quite often. At least compared to 2008.
My english-teacher told me some days ago, if I want to improve, I’ll have to do a lot more writing-, reading-, listening- and – especially – grammar-stuff.
What the heck?!
Well, all right, there were a lot of miskakes. Yes. But… I watch english movies, I read english books, I write an english blog – seems, that’s not enough.
Frustrating.

The next thing is, that, at least the past few days, the winter drepression – I thought I escaped from – got a new grip on me. My grades at school have their very special part at that. My accomplishments are described at best with ‘average’. Not what I actually want to be.
But I’m just too lazy to be better. I can’t bring myself to do better, learn harder, thigs like that. I just can’t.
Makes me feel sad, in a way…

Restlessness.

Strange feelings, again.

Restlessness. Sounds good, actually. Interessting word. Sounds… dramatically, poetical. Melodramatic; like sittin’ in a dusty room, with only moonlight and the rain pouring against the window.

For me, it’s actually none of that. I thought, I got over that feeling, finally. But as soon as you think you overcame it, it’s back again.

You’re waiting for something. Something to happen. It’s like tension, everywhere. Your heart starts beating faster, your hands start to tremble. Like you’re up to something. Getting up and run. And then you really want to get up. You want to run, to get away from this feeling. But your body is too slow. The moment you want to get up, you lay back, because your brain just don’t cares about the body.

It’s restless, and its thoughts left the concerns of your body long ago. Insensibility and Ignorance for all you do, for all you think, for all you feel. That’s the other part of this feeling.

There is nothing more unimportant than this strange power, that tenses your body, but you can’t do anything about it.

Alone, together.

I hate this fuckin’ feeling. You just want to be alone, because everything (and especially everyone) just sucks, but actually, you don’t want to be that alone. You want somebody who… fits.

I met several people the last weeks.
Some of them I sorted out immediately, because I simply disliked them.
Some of them I liked, but we had not much in common.
Some of them I wasn’t sure of, I didn’t know how to categorize, so I skipped them.
Some of them I got along with quite well, but I soon realized, that they’re too loud on the long run.
Some of them I didn’t notice, because they were too quiet.
Someday, I actually thought I found some people, not too loud and not too quiet, whose interests and opinions at least got the same directions like mine.
Unfortunately, I then discovered, that we spoke different languages.

So, I’m still searching for somebody, who, for the sake of variety, fits to my nature. That can’t be that difficult. It must not.

On and Off.

You know, there’s a girl. We met at the age of … let me think, well, it must be four or five. Many years passed. We were best friends, although we went to different primary schools.
Then, as we went to the same High School, we were … well, not exactly best ‘enemies’, but it was obvious than we were no longer friends.
She had her friends, I had mine. That was absolutely ok.

But then, two or three years ago, we started talking again. First, it was just a “Hello” when we passed each other at school.
Then, we went out together, having diner at a Sushi Bar.

And the amazing thing is, there is almost no difference to the time we were best friends. Sure, we talk about other things, and we made different experiences. And yes, I’m sure there’s a 180° – Difference between us. But that never mattered to us.
It’s quite like then.

I can’t really explain that friendship. It’s like you switch it off … and some time later you can just switch it on again, like nothing has happened.

I hope we’ll stay friends, even after school. I really hope so …